Divorce brings one of the most emotionally turbulent times in life, triggering what seems like every possible feeling: from intense fear and sadness, to happiness and relief, and back to grief and disappointment. These emotions happen whether you’re the one initiating the divorce, the one being asked for it, or you’re both in agreement that it’s time to lead separate lives. While the emotional progression isn’t exactly the same for everyone, there is a fairly typical pattern that most people experience:
Crisis. Prior to reaching this crisis point, many couples have already subconsciously “uncoupled” and begun to live parallel lives. They both know that something is off in their marriage, and may have even tried couples counseling, searching for reasons to stay together. That is, until now. It is during this stage that either one person announces they wish to divorce or the decision to divorce has been made by both.
Reactionary. After the initial shock of the decision to separate wears off, people often enter an extended reactionary phase, which tends to follow Kubler’s five stages of grief. It can last several months or more. Not only are you grieving the death of a marriage, but also the loss of all the dreams you once shared, the life you imagined, and even family and friends. Along with sadness, grief can bring loneliness, anger, agitation, and a feeling of helplessness. Here’s what to expect during this emotional phase:
- Denial All you can think is, “This isn’t happening to me.” During this stage, people tend to suppress the anger and hurt, acting as though nothing is happening. At this point, it’s easier to put up a front and harbor our sadness. The hurt is often too overpowering to share.
- Anger Eventually the pain turns to anger. A spouse may begin to express to others just how awful they were treated and how difficult the marriage actually was. Although there may be a chance for reconciliation during this stage, the expression of outward anger can easily close to the door to that opportunity.
- Bargaining During this stage, there can be a desire to prolong the relationship, and couples may begin compromising with each other and even attempt to reconcile. However, this kind of accommodation often cannot be sustained, and the strife that was once present returns. The cycle begins again bringing more hurt, loneliness, and anger.
- Depression As the couple continues their separation, the reality of their decision to divorce sets in. They may experience some existential angst, asking themselves, “Is this it? Is this all there is to life?” However, despite feeling depressed, a process of internal growth often begins during this time. A new identity starts to form along with a renewed sense of purpose.
- Acceptance At this point, finally, there’s an acceptance of the loss of love without the feelings of pain and grief. A sense of internal peace brings the transition of divorce full circle.
Recovery. The stage is all about healing, empowerment, and moving on with your life in a healthy and productive manner.
Although each person has her own journey and will go through the stages differently, there is benefit to going through the process, despite how difficult it is. They bring you the clarity and distance you need to start your life anew.
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Kristin M. Davin, Psy.D., is a Clinical Psychologist with a private practice in Manhattan. She has been in practice for over 12 years.
Davin specializes in pre-marital relationships, separation and divorce, relationship issues, and life transitions.
Dr. Davin received her Master and Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine in 2008 and 2010 respectively.
She has appeared on PBS, Discovery ID and is a frequent contributor to DivorcedMoms and YourTango.
