There’s no way to make divorce easy. You can only try to make the process easier—and that’s going to be a little different for everyone. However, if you can hold tight, believe in yourself, and learn how to manage your thoughts (even the dark ones) and feelings (which are all over the place), there will be a light at the end of the tunnel (and no, it won’t be an oncoming train). Try these strategies to help get you through:
Rally Your Team. This means create a network of people who will support and guide you. These people may include an attorney, a divorce financial advisor, a divorce mediator, friends, family, church, mentor, support groups, etc. Continue to cultivate your personal relationships. Remember, your loved ones want to help you!
Fasten Your Seatbelt. Divorce is an emotional roller coaster. Ever been on a roller coaster? You are afraid to get on, but once you do, you lower the bar and hang on. You know that the ride will be filled with moments of calmness, excitement, fear, and angst. During this time in your life, your feelings will follow suit, ranging from anger, sadness, and disappointment to happiness and relief. And sometimes, you might feel all of these things at once.
Keep Calm and Carry On. Give yourself a break and take it easy. Not every day has to productive. A little meditation, mindfulness, and time out is crucial for your long-term health.
Create and Maintain Structure. Going to work everyday, having a purpose, and creating short- and long-term goals provides structure and purpose. You need this. Days become weeks which turn into months. Too much free time often results in feelings of restlessness, anxiety, questioning your decisions, and negative thinking.
Silence Your Inner Critic. Find ways to be kind to yourself in both voice and behaviors. Limit the “should’ve, could’ve, would’ves.” These thoughts often leave you feeling worse about your divorce—and yourself. Instead, try to force yourself to be objective and give yourself a fair assessment of the situation. If a friend were in your position, what advice would you be giving her?
Make Healthy Choices. Unfortunately, the healthy habits that many of us have are often the first things to go. Don’t do it! Smart food choices, regular exercise (even a daily walk), sunshine, and Vitamin D are vital. Also, keep an eye on emotional eating. Are you eating through your feelings? This is detrimental not only because of the potential weight gain, but because you’re not acknowledging your feelings; if you’re not aware of the behavior, it could soon become a conditioned response to overwhelming emotions.
Speak your Mind! Use Your Voice! This includes setting boundaries and saying no to things without the guilt. What are your needs? What would help you during this time of transition? Learn how to be assertive and state your needs.
Curb Alcohol. It’s not uncommon to turn to alcohol to take the edge off. The downside? Drinking in times of distress could become automatic—it’s a risky habit that can get worse, quickly. If you find yourself pouring a drink more often than usual, stop and ask – Am I using alcohol to numb my feelings? If you think you might be, or if you’re often thinking that you deserve that drink because of everything you’re going through, you might be heading down a dangerous path. It’s important to reach out to your doctor or therapist right away, especially if you’re already struggling to cut back on your own.
Consider Outside Help. Some people benefit from working with divorce therapist or a divorce coach. Each provides a different level of support, depending on your needs. Therapists will not only guide you through the immediacy of the divorce transition, they’ll also help you examine all aspects of your life, including the roles your extended family, your childhood, and past relationships might be playing in your recovery. Divorce coaches, on the other hand, work to identify the issues that are most concerning to clients right now and offer additional support. They generally don’t take a deeper dive into your history. Either way, do not be apprehensive about interviewing more than one therapist or coach. It’s important to find the best fit for you and figure out what who is the best person to help you at this particular time in your life.
Schedule in Worry Time. Getting stuck in a negative thought process is not only counterproductive, it’s also unhealthy. That said, it’s unrealistic to think that you won’t ever be wracked by sadness, worry, or anger. But instead of letting these thoughts just take over willy-nilly, set aside 15 or 30 minutes a day to slide down that rabbit hole. We call that ‘worry time.’ The catch: When time’s up, it’s up. Though it may seem counterintuitive to let yourself wallow, by imposing the structure of a time limit, you’ll eventually start to gain control over that negative thinking pattern. Eventually, you will find that setting aside worry time becomes burdensome and something you no longer want to do. When you notice a difficult thought starting to pop up, just remind yourself, that you have time set aside to worry and that you have to postpone the thought until your scheduled time.
Focus on Your Future. Yes, it IS about you. And so is finding peace and creating new hopes for your future. Although you are grieving the loss of one dream, now’s the time to focus on building a different future for yourself. In some ways, your future is a blank slate waiting to be filled in. That can be hugely exciting. Before you know it, you will begin to feel that your life is yours again and experience happiness. Your resilience will astound you, and your “one day this will be all better” mantra will have arrived.
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Kristin M. Davin, Psy.D., is a Clinical Psychologist with a private practice in Manhattan. She has been in practice for over 12 years.
Davin specializes in pre-marital relationships, separation and divorce, relationship issues, and life transitions.
Dr. Davin received her Master and Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine in 2008 and 2010 respectively.
She has appeared on PBS, Discovery ID and is a frequent contributor to DivorcedMoms and YourTango.
