While going through a divorce, what helps people weather the many storms and the ups and downs is feeling both hopeful and optimistic about their future – despite how they feel at the moment. Experiencing the glimmers of a better and happier day when their divorce is a thing of the past, allows for positive emotions to emerge.
People hang on to those moments – even if in the beginning they are outnumbered by the challenging and negative experiences. And in doing so, they can begin to believe that eventually, the tide will turn and the positive days begin to outnumber the negative.
It’s also during the hopeful and promising times that a person starts to have a mind shift from ‘we’ to ‘me.’ This is captured by feeling hopeful about their future, envisioning what they want their new life to look like through fantasies and visualization, and how they might create a better future – one that is filled possibilities! The possibility of love again, a healthy relationship, a life of solitude, or stronger family and friendships. Whatever one envisions, it is theirs to create!
However, its quite common that in the early days of divorce, moving on, finding love, and feeling like you will ever recover are almost non-existent. For many, any thoughts about those things feel like an eternity to the reality of your life, the emotional roller coaster, the difficulty communicating with your soon to be ex, trying to make your life work, but in a different way.
Yet, to get from where you are to where you hope to be one day soon often means drawing on your imagination and recognizing that your impending divorce doesn’t have to dictate where you are. It shouldn’t define you – unless you allow it to. If we give all our energy to our divorce, there will be little left over for the good, the better things in life that await us around the corner.
After all, your divorce shouldn’t define you – its just the current chapter in your life – one that can be very long, but will eventually come to an end. And another chapter will begin. That’s what hope springs from and despite all the challenges in divorce, are which is far from feeling love or hope for your future.
Being hopeful again about your future will start to carry you down a path of renewed belief not just in yourself, but your future.
Its important that while you are doing what you need to do to get through your divorce, solitude, happiness, and hope for the future can take shape for a better future.
- What would you change about your current situation?
- What would you have done differently in your marriage?
- How did you change in the marriage and was that a good thing?
- How do you imagine your next relationship to be? How do you want it to be?
- What changes will you want or need to make to get you to a better place?
- What changes did you make while married that you wish you hadn’t?
- How will the next relationship be different for you? How will you be different?
There is always time to think about the negative stuff that makes up divorce. Its everywhere.
It might be your present, but it doesn’t have to be your future..
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Kristin M. Davin, Psy.D., is a Clinical Psychologist with a private practice in Manhattan. She has been in practice for over 12 years.
Davin specializes in pre-marital relationships, separation and divorce, relationship issues, and life transitions.
Dr. Davin received her Master and Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine in 2008 and 2010 respectively.
She has appeared on PBS, Discovery ID and is a frequent contributor to DivorcedMoms and YourTango.
